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Hierophant
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 any competent story editors? |
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I don't know where else to post this, so I'll stick it in here. Hopefully it'll get an answer.
Anyway, I'm writing a story that I'm planing to post here. It's a fantasy adventure/lolicon erotic story. I'm planing to include just about every combination of partners and activities my twisted imagination can concoct with an emphasis on lolicon, incest, and tentacles. There will probabaly be a fair bit of bestiality in there too, thanks to the concepts I've come up with.
I need one or more people who can take a look at it for me and give me a good technical critique. I need to know how my dialogue is, whether I'm paceing it well, how believable my characters are, that sort of thing. If there's anyone who can help me out with this I would apreciate it.
Ah, just edditing please. People who are willing to help me make the story I'm trying to tell better are prefered.
Those who want to rewrite it in their own image need not apply. 
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| Tue Feb 17, 2009 1:06 pm |
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Electricus
Angel of the Face
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I'll help. Also this would be better placed in the Projects section.
See? I'm helping already.
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| Tue Feb 17, 2009 5:03 pm |
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MugenMonster
Bronze Angel
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i'll help too 
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| Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:27 am |
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Hierophant
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Thanks for the offers (and the help, Electricus  ) I'm uploading the first bit for anyone that wants to give it a lookover.
Just a couple notes: the two kids in this portion are really only bit parts. I don't want to spend much more time developing them then I have. Keb is one of the two main characters, so he's the one to pay attention to.
I'll be explaining more about this world in general in the next part, especialy magic and Keb's particular kind of magic. I also plan to explain a bit more about what Keb and the two kids were doing and where they were. I didn't really notice that I hadn't untill I got to the end and read over it, but I didn't want to add more because this scene had already wound up a little too long. Let me know if you feel I should give a little more background here, or if I can get away with doing that in the next section.
This part is mostly just meant as an introduction through a gratuitous sex scene 
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Last edited by Hierophant on Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:33 am; edited 1 time in total |
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| Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:15 am |
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Electricus
Angel of the Face
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Well, that's pretty good. My comments:
Cold opening:- You jump straight into the scene without letting the audience know what's going on. My advice is to add a little more to the start to let people know what sort of world they're in, or a short paragraph to return to afterwards.
Liiry not shy enough:- I know you said not to focus on the kids too much, but you seem a little inconsistent in her character. It's a little jarring.
Too much mythology backstory:- Since, as you say, you won't be focusing on them too much, you shouldn't spend too much time explaining their abilities.
After sex part:- the bit just after he sucks on Kobe needs re-writing, as it seems a little clumsy.
De Populating:- Just a small thing, but there are a few spelling errors. You might want to double check it.
Returning to the first comment, my biggest advice would be to add a little more backstory for Keb and the world before you jump into the sex.
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| Wed Feb 18, 2009 7:54 pm |
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Hierophant
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Your a champ, Electricus. That's just the sort of thing I'm looking for.
Electricus:
Well, that's pretty good. My comments:
Cold opening:- You jump straight into the scene without letting the audience know what's going on. My advice is to add a little more to the start to let people know what sort of world they're in, or a short paragraph to return to afterwards.
I see what you mean.
Liiry not shy enough:- I know you said not to focus on the kids too much, but you seem a little inconsistent in her character. It's a little jarring.
I think I'll just drop the shyness altogether then. It isn't consistent with the situation anyway.
Too much mythology backstory:- Since, as you say, you won't be focusing on them too much, you shouldn't spend too much time explaining their abilities.
That was meant more to establish the kind of mythology in this world in general. The prophecy figures more into the story latter on. I'll trim things down a bit.
After sex part:- the bit just after he sucks on Kobe needs re-writing, as it seems a little clumsy.
Meh. That would be the place where I realized things were starting to go longer than I intended, so I cut out a bunch that I had planed. That will take some thinking.
De Populating:- Just a small thing, but there are a few spelling errors. You might want to double check it.
I'll try. I ran it through a spell check, but I'm sure there are things it missed. Spelling is NOT something I'm good at.
Returning to the first comment, my biggest advice would be to add a little more backstory for Keb and the world before you jump into the sex.
Well, if that's the worst problem, it's easily fixed.
Thanks for the input. It's always hard for me to see where I'm going wrong without an outside perspective. I'll give it a good going over with your comments in mind.
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| Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:20 pm |
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Hierophant
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Just so anyone who's interested knows, I haven't given up on the story. I'm having a little trouble with the introduction, so it taking a while to get something hammered together.
Just one quick question. I initially considered coming up with more 'fantasyish' sex slang for the story, but reconsidered and right now I'm just using normal terms. Which do you think would be better?
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| Wed Mar 11, 2009 5:16 pm |
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Electricus
Angel of the Face
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Well, on the one hand, it can be more fun, and helps make the world a little more real. On the other hand, you might have to spend time explaining what things mean, which could slow you down. I think if you keep it general it'll be ok.
For example, in an 8-Bit Theatre guest comic, Black Mage was having an erotic dream, and mumbles "Oh yeah, cast 'Rub' right there....". That's fantasy-ish, but very obvious what's going on.
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| Wed Mar 11, 2009 5:37 pm |
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Hierophant
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I got it. I'll come use some standards that fit (rod and shaft for penis for example) and throw in a few of my own and define them with footnotes. I'll probably want to do that anyway, and I've seen it done enough to know it works all right.
Now I just have to figure out how to put in the footnotes
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| Wed Mar 11, 2009 10:24 pm |
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Electricus
Angel of the Face
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Oh, footnotes are easy. Just write the note as soon as it comes up in the main article, then go back and keep writing until the footnote reaches the bottom of the page.
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| Thu Mar 12, 2009 1:58 pm |
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Hierophant
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Ok then. part one of chapter one, take two.
I haven't figured out what I want to do for the slang yet, so this is with the usual sort of terms. I'll probably be changing that.
I'm having a bit of trouble with introducing all the elements that go into this story. I'm using a different magic system than typical 'D&D' style magic. Don't worry if your not quite sure which magic does what, neither are the people of this world. That will become clearer in the next part, which has a great deal of magic in it. In general, this is supposed to be a more anime fantasy world (think Slayers, Orphan, ect.) than D&D/Tolkanian fantasy. I've noticed that the lines tend to blur a bit in that kind of setting, so I'm following the same trend.
Since I added a bit of introduction to Keb, let me know if your getting a feel for his history, motives, personality and intentions.
I also lengthened the sex scene. Hope you like it. Writing erotica is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. I keep getting distracted
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Last edited by Hierophant on Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:34 am; edited 1 time in total |
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| Tue Mar 17, 2009 6:51 am |
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Hierophant
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No comments? 
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| Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:24 pm |
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Electricus
Angel of the Face
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Give it time.
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| Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:00 pm |
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Hierophant
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Fair enough. I'll crawl back in my corner and go back to working on the next bit.
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| Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:14 pm |
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Electricus
Angel of the Face
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This is much better, far clearer with Jeb and the world in general, at least the important bits. The sex scenes are ok, nothing special but not over-written.
Only critisism is once again, spell-check.
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| Sat Mar 21, 2009 6:07 pm |
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